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1. The counterperson at yout local parts store is listed as a dependent on your tax returns.
2. You tell your significant other that you were out until 4:am because your rig was broken down and they believe you.
3. You allow at least five hours for a one-hour trip. (break downs..of course).
4. You have someone 'spot' you when parking at the mall.
5. You hunch over whenever entering a parking garage no matter what type of vehicle you're driving.
6. You get in your vehicle and are surprised if all of the instruments work.
7. Radio.....what radio? / Or you cant hear the radio due to excessive tire noise.
8. You always park downhill.
9. You carry an extra driveshaft, spider gears, u-joint, water pump, fuel pump, starter, alternator, distributer, cap, rotor, and so on in your rig at all times.....just in case.
10. You can diagnose a "funny" sound coming from the engine compartment and immediately know how much it will cost to fix and exactly what tools you'll need to fix it.
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercialsshow they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department in Roseville has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it. Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time....
1.Duct Tape-not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
2.Vice Grips-Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
3.Spray Lubricants-A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 _worst_ tools of all time).
4.Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids -If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5.Big Rock at the Side of the Road-Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6.Plastic Zip Ties-After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur- quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.
7.Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver- Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver--and you will just like Dad and your shop teacher said--who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.
8.Baling Wire -Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders, since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
9.Bonking Stick -This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10.A Quarter and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above.
1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ____ The cat is on Valium.
4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the
number of people in the family.
7. ____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
1. It's legal to play hockey professionally (in all 50 states).
2. The puck is always hard.
3. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to wash it.
4. You can decide the length of your stick.
5. It lasts at least a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
7. Your parents cheer when you score.
8. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
9. Periods last only 20 minutes.
10. It's no more difficult to play if the other person is butt ugly.
11. You can count on it at least twice a week.
12. You can either play or watch from home.
13. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing
at the fence with wide-eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great... he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining
the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun - I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have
any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an butthole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to smash your head in.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really
scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter
than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small
(and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "literally disappear".
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive in parkways and park in driveways?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the
same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
There was a billboard beside the L.A. freeway a few years ago that read, ILLITERATE? call 1-800-.....
1. Thou shalt not dismantle jeep engines in thy living room.
2. Thou shalt not pirate parts from thy family auto for use on thy jeep.
3. Thou shalt not park thy jeep in the garage and let thy family car sit out in the rain.
4. Thou shalt not use thy grocery money to repair thy jeep.
5. Thou shalt stay home at least once a year to mow thy lawn.
6. Thou shalt not covet thy jeep and forsake thy wife and children.
7. Thou shalt not take strange and beautiful girls for moonlight jeeping trips-unless they
are married to you.
8. Thou shalt not steel thy wife's black lace undies to use for oil rags when thou breakest down.
9. Thou shalt not look at new vehicles until thou has paid at least one payment on thine own.
10.Thou shalt wash thy family care once for each fifteen times thou washest thy jeep.
Author Unknown
There was this guy who wanted to shoot himself a grizzly bear, so he headed up North to a small resort where he had heard the hunting was good. The owners told him where abouts in the forest they had regularly spotted a grizzly of fair size. Bright and early the next morning, the hunter headed into the forest to wait out this particular grizzly. After a few hours, he heard some rustling up ahead. Sure enough he spotted just what he had come for...a huge grizzly! He trained his rifle on the bear, steadied his aim but just before he pulled the trigger the bear disappeared behind a large boulder. The hunter lowered his gun and waited for the bear to reappear. After a moment or two, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around and found the bear standing before him. The bear spoke to him and said, "You've got two options...either you drop your drawers and let me do you up the rear, or I eat you." Needless to say, the hunter slowly lowered his rifle to the ground, slipped his pants to his ankles and bent over....
The next day, the hunter went back to the same area determined to kill this monster, but the same thing happened. Just as he was about to fire, the bear ambled behind some trees and the hunter lost sight of it. And just as before, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to face the bear who then said to him, "You know the routine."
Instead of packing up and going home, the hunter decided he had to try one last time to get himself this grizzly. So, the next day, he headed off into the bush, but to no avail. He got the bear in his sights, but just before he pulled the trigger the bear disappeared from his view. He felt a tap on his shoulder, so he cursed and threw his gun to the ground, pulled down his pants and waited.... After a moment he stood up and turned around. The bear was leaning against a tree casually picking his teeth and said to him, "You're not here for the hunting, are you?"
Author Unknown
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